Dear Frank

You do not say how long ago it was that you lost your spouse or the circumstances surrounding the loss. These details are important as they can impact how you are feeling. Usually a loss such as yours is experienced as a trauma or wound and like all wounds it takes time to heal. It needs to undergo nature's healing cycle. After the initial shock there comes a feeling of numbness and and this might be accompanied by a kind of searching; why me? why now? could I have done anything differently? Like all healing processes you need to allow the whole cycle to be experienced, no skipping any part of it. A mixture of weeping and raging, feelings of despair and emptiness memories which are idealised rather than real, all of these are normal and natural. Like any cycle you may go round it many times until you can start to remember your loved one in a more real less idealsied way and then maybe start to integrate the experience let it be part of who you are rather than ALL of who you are. This process can last for a long time but those who resist it may get stuck along the way and never recover their trauma. Please don't try to hurry your healing cycle and trust that it is very painful BUT the pain will be less as you allow yourself the feelings  of loss. Talking to a counsellor may help you understand the need to allow your grief and not expect to 'get over it' before you are ready. I hope this was useful for you.

Kind Regards

Jenni Camplin