I am married for 2 years.I have a 14 month old baby. This marriage was settled by my parents. They chose the girl and I agreed.
Before marriage I had some psychological problems. I was studying Masters in IT in Dhaka, Bangladesh in 2007.
Both my parents were abroad in Saudi Arabia. I was in dhaka with my younger brother.
There was a lot of pressure of courses. There was also the challenge of making a good result set by my father.
I also felt loneliness. I could not handle the pressure. I was partly responsible since I was irregular in my
studies and wasted my time in games etc.
During my exam in february,2007 I became arrogant, misbehaving, used to break things out of anger,used to brag and give foul lectures,
became proudy and felt all knowing. I spent more time on planning for study than to actually study.
I also felt like people are observing and criticising me although this was irrational. Once I broke my brother's iPod suspecting that
he is speaking ill of me around the neighbourhood. I became excessively ambitious such that I may one day become a nobel laurete!
I hardly slept 3 to 4 hours a day and took food irregularly. My friends noticed the change and took me to a psychologist.
I failed in two subjects. In disgrace and humiliation my condition deteriorated.
I had palpitition and could not sleep at night.
My mother returned in March. She took me to the same psychologist. He prescribed some medicines for three months.
He asked to put me in complete relaxation. In the next month I visited another psychologist. This person prescribed some medicines
but also suggested my mother to arrange a marriage for me.
I took the medicines regularly. In the next two months, my condition improved. I was married in June, 2007 with the expense of my father.
Both I and my wife were unaware at that time that the intention of my parents was to improve my mental health.
Although I told my wife that I was mentally sick before marriage, she took me as a normal person as my condition was lot better.
By the end of July, I became completely well. I love my wife and she loves me dearly and she is happy with me.
I am also happy but still there is a feeling that disturbs me that I don't worth all of these.
Once my father was angry with me for a certain matter and told me that I don't worth any girl,
had they not arranged the marriage for me I could not marry anyone by myself.
This came as a shock for me. Ever since I cannot comfortably enjoy my family life. My father holds me responsible for
the mental illness I suffered. According to him I was indisciplined, lazy and mentally weak to handle stress that led me to the illness.
What he means is that since I became mentally sick and marriage was 'essential' for cure, my ability to marry someone of my choice was finished.
I have all the rights but I feel them granted, like I don't deserve them!! I am in debt for all of these to my parents!!
All my pleasures of my family life are permitted, not personal!!
I make love with my wife, I adore my kids, still I feel the lack of personal freedom and right in it.
What was my illness? Was a marriage absolutely necessary for my cure of mental illness? Could it be healed through medicines and other therapies only?
How much responsible was I for my mental illness?